It's complicated, but does it need to be?

" All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” – Havelock Ellis

Think of the most loving and harmonious relationship you have. This could be with a parent, a best friend or if you are lucky enough, a spouse or a significant other. What makes this relationship so loving and harmonious? Your communication and complete understanding of each other. When you have a problem this is the first person you turn to. When you have an accomplishment you want to tell this person right away. What separates this person from others? It's the way they listen to you, with their undivided attention, their whole heart and mind is engaged in what you are saying. A relationship like this works both ways. You also do the same for the other person, that is the reason the two of you are so close.

I am fortunate enough to have 2 such relationships. One with my BFF and one with my mom. If I have a problem my BFF "gets it" within a 5 minute Facebook chat. I pound out my frustrations into the keyboard and we laugh about it then go about our day. We both care so deeply for each other that we worry about burdening the other one with our problems. She understands what I mean without having to go into great detail. I can type ovnkjlfasvjklfavjlkfsanvjkfjkdafngjifdangjif and she understands exactly what I said word for word. For this, I love you my darling xoxox


What about the other relationships in your life? In these relationships there is usually a giver and a taker. Which one are you? If you are not sure then ask yourself these questions: when you call a Friend is it to talk about your problems, ask for money, a ride, a babysitter a favor etc. if yes, then you my dear, are the taker. If on the other hand you are the one listening, lending money, giving rides, doing favors etc, then you are the giver. In relationships there are a little of both, although each person predominantly plays one role. This is the category of most relationships and that's fine, people are comfortable with the role they play.

What I want to talk about today is the poisonous relationships. Oh yeah, you know the ones, we've all been there. We've all had that family member, lover or friend that just takes everything right out of us. How do we get in these realtionships? Love, that's how. We love the person and we hope we can help them be the person they can be. We all know the result of this, it never works out, the person themselves never change but they end up changing you in the process. They emotionally drain you. Every time you interact with them if feels like the life has been sucked right out of you. It's a horrible situation to be in and you feel so trapped. What if you let go? Will that person destroy themselves and fall to their death? How can you abandon them in their time of need? You must establish:


BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES!!!

Yes, one of my favorite words. Setting up boundaries in a toxic relationship is tough. The best approach is the direct approach. We all want to be nice and hint around at the idea but let me tell you, this will not work. Remember this is a toxic relationship, it's one sided so the person will not acknowledge your request unless you are direct. You must say, " I am not comfortable with the current dynamics of this relationship and I want to set up some boundaries". The boundaries will be unique for each relationship. It might be as simple as, "I will no longer lend you money." This is an easy example; it can become a lot more complicated though. For an emotionally draining person you might need to establish some boundaries that include: time of day they can contact you, frequency of contact, help that you can or cannot offer etc. All in all, it's up to you to establish the boundaries.

Unfortunately it does not end here. You must also enforce the boundaries and let the person know the consequences of crossing the established boundaries. For friendship or lover the consequence may need to be that the relationship ends. I know for family it's not so easy. Unfortunately, we all have at least one toxic person in our family. The good news with this situation: the person will move on and attach themselves to another family member.

The toxic relationship is tough to deal with but you MUST set up boundaries, enforce them and follow through with the consequences. Easier said then done, but for your own sanity you MUST. Start by taking ownership, this relationship didn't happen over night; you did play an active role. And if that isn't enough just remember the show intervention, the family/friends are calling in the professionals because it's gone too far.

I know this is very hard to do. I have been there time and time again in my life. We get trapped in these toxic realtionships because of love. We knew the person when they were functioning normally. We know what they were, we know what they can be. This is why it is so tough to set up boundaries and if necessary let go. Sometimes this is the hardest thing you have to do in life; however, you cannot allow yourself to be dragged down and used by another person. When we think we are helping, all we are actually doing is enabling the person to continue with their behavior so the best thing we can do for the person is to let go.....