It has been three months since my brother passed away. So many things have changed in that amount of time. Some days I feel so lost and confused...
After my brother died I took the usual role of being the strong one and holding everything together for the family. I didn't have a good support system from my friends and family or perhaps I did but I didn't reach out to anyone. I've never really been good at asking for help.
I am always the girl with the answers and solutions to everyone else's problems or providing empathy and good logical advice. I think this has all caught up to me.
I've been there for my mom and I can only imagine what she must be going through, she lost a child. In all fairness to my mom she is there for me and she does listen to me but only when I tell her I have a problem. Most of the times I don't want to burden her.
Then there is my son..... I love him dearly. Only a person who has raised a child like him would be able to truly understand. It takes a little more love, parenting, patience and understanding than other children. He has brought so much joy to my life but recently he has been going through somethings and he's needed more of my attention, time and money. And as of lately I was low in all three areas so this was an additional stressor.
Another stressor is the hurtful comments from family and friends about my son. The common answer seems to be, just punish him. With an autistic spectrum child it's a little different. There is a reason they are reacting the way they are. It's not for attention or just to be bad. There's a reason and my job is to help him work through it not to punish him.
Whenever somebody tells me they don't want to be around my son or only want to be around him in small doses or only if he is going to "behave" it is really really hurtful. I know he is a handful at times but he has so many talents and great qualities. He's one of the few people who bring absolute pure joy to my life. When someone rejects my son it hurts more than if they rejected me. My son it not a burden the attitude of ignorant people is the burden.
On top of all of this, people in my life have been a burden. They have not allowed me the time I needed to grieve my brother. There are constant plans or I've had a bad day, listen to my problem etc. It might seem selfish but I don't want to listen, I want to be lost in my own thoughts and have time to myself to deal with my own grief. One person even told me from this day forward you are going to put a smile on your face and move on because all this crying won't change it and won't bring him back. My brother had not even been dead a month when that was said.
As most people know I have been helping someone else with a disability and that person has been less than grateful. Actually the person has been outright abusive: mentally, emotionally, verbally and physically. I had to stop doing the things I enjoyed and even stop talking to some of my friends. I could no longer post whatever I wanted on Facebook or like certain peoples statuses or go certain places etc. If I did I had to deal with his imagination and insecurities. He even got angry when my phone apps sent me notifications. I was accused of cheating and not answering my phone. My days were filled with find this, look this up, do this, help me with this, stop helping me I can do it myself plus his emotional baggage and constant criticism was all to much and emotionally draining. I get it, he's going through a very difficult time; however, it is not an excuse to be abusive. Feelings of frustration, anger, sadness are all normal. Similar to they way I feel over the loss of my brother. There is no excuse though to be outright abusive to another person regardless of the situation. I'm a caregiver that is my personality and I have no problem being the caregiver. Actually I enjoy it but only when it is appreciated.
I realized I've had no time for myself. Not even a few minutes to have my own thoughts. Life was all about this person, what they wanted and I had to behave exactly as they wanted. This was real draining on me. This was one of the biggest burdens I carried. It wasn't the disability that was draining, it was the demands, attitude, criticism and abusiveness from the person that made it so draining.
I suppose I got so wrapped up in all of it that I needed a reals wake up call. I guess 8 neighbors pulling me out of the house was the wake up that I needed. Or maybe it was him standing in the yard and threatening to shoot the neighbors. Either way, it shook me up enough to realize it was time to leave that situation. The bruises he left will heal in a matter of days but the emotional bruises will take some time.... At least the biggest burden I carried is gone.
The other day I heard my brother say, I miss my Christi. I knew what he meant. He missed the happy go lucky, carefree girl who blogged all the time and who was into photography and making memories with her friends and family. I understand, I miss that person too.
I realized through his death that this is exactly what life is about. Making memories with people you love, enjoying nature and following your passions. All the other stuff is a burden and will just weigh a person down.
By giving my time to someone who was controlling, abusive and unappreciative I gave up my own power to control my own path in life. I've decided to take that power back and start taking more time for myself, my family, my friends and my passions. It's time for some balance in my life, it's time to start saying no to people and time to start saying yes to myself.
